按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
last efforts。 My father； who foresaw the return of the Bourbons； had
come to Paris with my mother to advise my brother； who was employed in
the imperial diplomatic service。 My mother was to take me back with
her； out of the way of dangers which seemed； to those who followed the
march of events intelligently； to threaten the capital。 In a few
minutes； as it were； I was taken out of Paris； at the very moment when
my life there was about to become fatal to me。
The tortures of imagination excited by repressed desires； the
weariness of a life depressed by constant privations had driven me to
study； just as men； weary of fate； confine themselves in a cloister。
To me； study had become a passion； which might even be fatal to my
health by imprisoning me at a period of life when young men ought to
yield to the bewitching activities of their springtide youth。
This slight sketch of my boyhood； in which you； Natalie； can readily
perceive innumerable songs of woe； was needful to explain to you its
influence on my future life。 At twenty years of age； and affected by
many morbid elements； I was still small and thin and pale。 My soul；
filled with the will to do； struggled with a body that seemed weakly；
but which； in the words of an old physician at Tours； was undergoing
its final fusion into a temperament of iron。 Child in body and old in
mind； I had read and thought so much that I knew life metaphysically
at its highest reaches at the moment when I was about to enter the
tortuous difficulties of its defiles and the sandy roads of its
plains。 A strange chance had held me long in that delightful period
when the soul awakes to its first tumults； to its desires for joy； and
the savor of life is fresh。 I stood in the period between puberty and
manhood；the one prolonged by my excessive study； the other tardily
developing its living shoots。 No young man was ever more thoroughly
prepared to feel and to love。 To understand my history； let your mind
dwell on that pure time of youth when the mouth is innocent of
falsehood； when the glance of the eye is honest； though veiled by lids
which droop from timidity contradicting desire； when the soul bends
not to worldly Jesuitism； and the heart throbs as violently from
trepidation as from the generous impulses of young emotion。
I need say nothing of the journey I made with my mother from Paris to
Tours。 The coldness of her behavior repressed me。 At each relay I
tried to speak； but a look； a word from her frightened away the
speeches I had been meditating。 At Orleans； where we had passed the
night； my mother complained of my silence。 I threw myself at her feet
and clasped her knees； with tears I opened my heart。 I tried to touch
hers by the eloquence of my hungry love in accents that might have
moved a stepmother。 She replied that I was playing comedy。 I
complained that she had abandoned me。 She called me an unnatural
child。 My whole nature was so wrung that at Blois I went upon the
bridge to drown myself in the Loire。 The height of the parapet
prevented my suicide。
When I reached home； my two sisters； who did not know me； showed more
surprise than tenderness。 Afterwards； however； they seemed； by
comparison； to be full of kindness towards me。 I was given a room on
the third story。 You will understand the extent of my hardships when I
tell you that my mother left me； a young man of twenty； without other
linen than my miserable school outfit； or any other outside clothes
than those I had long worn in Paris。 If I ran from one end of the room
to the other to pick up her handkerchief； she took it with the cold
thanks a lady gives to her footman。 Driven to watch her to find if
there were any soft spot where I could fasten the rootlets of
affection； I came to see her as she was；a tall； spare woman； given
to cards； egotistical and insolent； like all the Listomeres； who count
insolence as part of their dowry。 She saw nothing in life except
duties to be fulfilled。 All cold women whom I have known made； as she
did； a religion of duty； she received our homage as a priest receives
the incense of the mass。 My elder brother appeared to absorb the
trifling sentiment of maternity which was in her nature。 She stabbed
us constantly with her sharp irony；the weapon of those who have no
heart；and which she used against us； who could make her no reply。
Notwithstanding these thorny hindrances； the instinctive sentiments
have so many roots； the religious fear inspired by a mother whom it is
dangerous to displease holds by so many threads； that the sublime
mistakeif I may so call itof our love for our mother lasted until
the day； much later in our lives； when we judged her finally。 This
terrible despotism drove from my mind all thoughts of the voluptuous
enjoyments I had dreamed of finding at Tours。 In despair I took refuge
in my father's library； where I set myself to read every book I did
not know。 These long periods of hard study saved me from contact with
my mother； but they aggravated the dangers of my moral condition。
Sometimes my eldest sistershe who afterwards married our cousin； the
Marquis de Listomeretried to comfort me； without； however； being
able to calm the irritation to which I was a victim。 I desired to die。
Great events； of which I knew nothing； were then in preparation。 The
Duc d'Angouleme； who had left Bordeaux to join Louis XVIII。 in Paris；
was received in every town through which he passed with ovations
inspired by the enthusiasm felt throughout old France at the return of
the Bourbons。 Touraine was aroused for its legitimate princes； the
town itself was in a flutter； every window decorated； the inhabitants
in their Sunday clothes； a festival in preparation； and that nameless
excitement in the air which intoxicates； and which gave me a strong
desire to be present at the ball given by the duke。 When I summoned
courage to make this request of my mother； who was too ill to go
herself； she became extremely angry。 〃Had I come from Congo？〃 she
inquired。 〃How could I suppose that our family would not be
represented at the ball？ In the absence of my father and brother； of
course it was my duty to be present。 Had I no mother？ Was she not
always thinking of the welfare of her children？〃
In a moment the semi…disinherited son had become a personage！ I was
more dumfounded by my importance than by the deluge of ironical
reasoning with which my mother received my request。 I questioned my
sisters； and then discovered that my mother； who liked such theatrical
plots； was already attending to my clothes。 The tailors in Tours were
fully occupied by the sudden demands of their regular customers； and
my mother was forced to employ her usual seamstress； whoaccording to
provincial customcould do all kinds of sewing。 A bottle…blue coat
had been secretly made for me； after a fashion； and silk stockings and
pumps provided； waistcoats were then worn short； so that I could wear
one of my father's； and for the first time in my life I had a shirt
with a frill； the pleatings of which puffed out my chest and were
gathered in to the knot of my cravat。 When dressed in this apparel I
looked so little like myself that my sister's compliments nerved me to
face all Touraine at the ball。 But it was a bold enterprise。 Thanks to
my slimness I slipped into a tent set up in the gardens of the Papion
house； and found a place close to the armchair in which the duke was
seated。 Instantly I was suffocated by the heat； and dazzled by the
lights； the scarlet draperies； the gilded ornaments； the dresses； and
the diamonds of the first public ball I had ever witnessed。 I was
pushed hither and thither by a mass of men and women； who hustled each
other in a cloud of dust。 The brazen clash of military music was
drowned in the hurrahs and acclamations of 〃Long live the Duc
d'Angouleme！ Long live the King！ Long live the Bourbons！〃 The ball was
an outburst of pent…up enthusiasm； where each man endeavored to outdo
the rest in his fierce haste to worship the rising sun；an exhibition
of partisan greed which left me unmoved； or rather； it disgusted me
and drove me back within myself。
Swept onward like a straw in the whirlwind； I was seized with a
c