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〃Ah；〃 she added； 〃I have one more promise to ask of you； but grant it
first。〃
〃Yes； yes！〃 I cried； thinking it was surely a promise of fidelity。
〃It does not concern myself；〃 she said smiling； with some bitterness。
〃Felix； do not gamble in any house； no matter whose it be； I except
none。〃
〃I will never play at all；〃 I replied。
〃Good；〃 she said。 〃I have found a better use for your time than to
waste it on cards。 The end will be that where others must sooner or
later be losers you will invariably win。〃
〃How so？〃
〃The letter will tell you；〃 she said； with a playful smile； which took
from her advice the serious tone which might certainly have been that
of a grandfather。
The countess talked to me for an hour； and proved the depth of her
affection by the study she had made of my nature during the last three
months。 She penetrated the recesses of my heart； entering it with her
own； the tones of her voice were changeful and convincing； the words
fell from maternal lips； showing by their tone as well as by their
meaning how many ties already bound us to each other。
〃If you knew；〃 she said in conclusion； 〃with what anxiety I shall
follow your course； what joy I shall feel if you walk straight； what
tears I must shed if you strike against the angles！ Believe that my
affection has no equal； it is involuntary and yet deliberate。 Ah； I
would that I might see you happy； powerful； respected；you who are to
me a living dream。〃
She made me weep； so tender and so terrible was she。 Her feelings came
boldly to the surface； yet they were too pure to give the slightest
hope even to a young man thirsting for pleasure。 Ignoring my tortured
flesh； she shed the rays； undeviating； incorruptible； of the divine
love； which satisfies the soul only。 She rose to heights whither the
prismatic pinions of a love like mine were powerless to bear me。 To
reach her a man must needs have won the white wings of the seraphim。
〃In all that happens to me I will ask myself；〃 I said； 〃'What would my
Henriette say？'〃
〃Yes； I will be the star and the sanctuary both；〃 she said； alluding
to the dreams of my childhood。
〃You are my light and my religion；〃 I cried； 〃you shall be my all。〃
〃No；〃 she answered； 〃I can never be the source of your pleasures。〃
She sighed； the smile of secret pain was on her lips； the smile of the
slave who momentarily revolts。 From that day forth she was to me； not
merely my beloved； but my only love； she was not IN my heart as a
woman who takes a place； who makes it hers by devotion or by excess of
pleasure given； but she was my heart itself；it was all hers； a
something necessary to the play of my muscles。 She became to me as
Beatrice to the Florentine； as the spotless Laura to the Venetian； the
mother of great thoughts； the secret cause of resolutions which saved
me； the support of my future； the light shining in the darkness like a
lily in a wood。 Yes； she inspired those high resolves which pass
through flames； which save the thing in peril； she gave me a constancy
like Coligny's to vanquish conquerors； to rise above defeat； to weary
the strongest wrestler。
The next day； having breakfasted at Frapesle and bade adieu to my kind
hosts； I went to Clochegourde。 Monsieur and Madame de Mortsauf had
arranged to drive with me to Tours； whence I was to start the same
night for Paris。 During the drive the countess was silent； she
pretended at first to have a headache； then she blushed at the
falsehood； and expiated it by saying that she could not see me go
without regret。 The count invited me to stay with them whenever； in
the absence of the Chessels； I might long to see the valley of the
Indre once more。 We parted heroically； without apparent tears； but
Jacques； who like other delicate children was quickly touched； began
to cry； while Madeleine； already a woman； pressed her mother's hand。
〃Dear little one！〃 said the countess； kissing Jacques passionately。
When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild； inexplicable desire
known only to young blood possessed me。 I hired a horse and rode from
Tours to Pont…de…Ruan in an hour and a quarter。 There； ashamed of my
folly； I dismounted； and went on foot along the road； stepping
cautiously like a spy till I reached the terrace。 The countess was not
there； and I imagined her ill； I had kept the key of the little gate；
by which I now entered； she was coming down the steps of the portico
with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender
melancholy of the landscape； bathed at that moment in the setting sun。
〃Mother； here is Felix；〃 said Madeleine。
〃Yes；〃 I whispered； 〃it is I。 I asked myself why I should stay at
Tours while I still could see you； why not indulge a desire that in a
few days more I could not gratify。〃
〃He won't leave us again； mother；〃 cried Jacques； jumping round me。
〃Hush！〃 said Madeleine； 〃if you make such a noise the general will
come。〃
〃It is not right；〃 she said。 〃What folly！〃
The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a
usurious speculation of love。
〃I had forgotten to return this key；〃 I said smiling。
〃Then you will never return；〃 she said。
〃Can we ever be really parted？〃 I asked； with a look which made her
drop her eyelids for all answer。
I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the
spirit where exaltation ends and ecstasy begins。 I went with lagging
step； looking back at every minute。 When； from the summit of the hill；
I saw the valley for the last time I was struck with the contrast it
presented to what it was when I first came there。 Then it was verdant；
then it glowed； glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires。
Initiated now into the gloomy secrets of a family； sharing the anguish
of a Christian Niobe； sad with her sadness； my soul darkened； I saw
the valley in the tone of my own thoughts。 The fields were bare； the
leaves of the poplars falling； the few that remained were rusty； the
vine…stalks were burned； the tops of the trees were tan…colored； like
the robes in which royalty once clothed itself as if to hide the
purple of its power beneath the brown of grief。 Still in harmony with
my thoughts； the valley； where the yellow rays of the setting sun were
coldly dying； seemed to me a living image of my heart。
To leave a beloved woman is terrible or natural； according as the mind
takes it。 For my part； I found myself suddenly in a strange land of
which I knew not the language。 I was unable to lay hold of things to
which my soul no longer felt attachment。 Then it was that the height
and the breadth of my love came before me； my Henriette rose in all
her majesty in this desert where I existed only through thoughts of
her。 That form so worshipped made me vow to keep myself spotless
before my soul's divinity； to wear ideally the white robe of the
Levite； like Petrarch； who never entered Laura's presence unless
clothed in white。 With what impatience I awaited the first night of my
return to my father's roof； when I could read the letter which I felt
of during the journey as a miser fingers the bank…bills he carries
about him。 During the night I kissed the paper on which my Henriette
had manifested her will； I sought to gather the mysterious emanations
of her hand； to recover the intonations of her voice in the hush of my
being。 Since then I have never read her letters except as I read that
first letter； in bed； amid total silence。 I cannot understand how the
letters of our beloved can be read in any other way； yet there are
men； unworthy to be loved； who read such letters in the turmoil of the
day； laying them aside and taking them up again with odious composure。
Here； Natalie； is the voice which echoed through the silence of that
night。 Behold the noble figure which stood before me and pointed to
the right path among the cross…ways at which I stood。
To Monsieur le Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse：
What happiness for me； dear friend； to gather the scattered
elements of my experience that I may arm you against the dangers
of the world； through which I pray that you pass scatheless。 I
have felt the highest pleasures of maternal love as night after
night I