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itself has no ears。 Have I not expressed our mutual sufferings？〃
She shuddered； and then without removing her eyes from the setting
sun； she said； 〃How is it that； young as you are； you know these
things？ Were you once a woman？〃
〃Ah！〃 I replied； 〃my childhood was like a long illness〃
〃I hear Madeleine coughing；〃 she cried； leaving me abruptly。
The countess showed no displeasure at my constant visits； and for two
reasons。 In the first place she was pure as a child； and her thoughts
wandered into no forbidden regions； in the next I amused the count and
made a sop for that lion without claws or mane。 I found an excuse for
my visits which seemed plausible to every one。 Monsieur de Mortsauf
proposed to teach me backgammon； and I accepted； as I did so the
countess was betrayed into a look of compassion； which seemed to say；
〃You are flinging yourself into the jaws of the lion。〃 If I did not
understand this at the time； three days had not passed before I knew
what I had undertaken。 My patience； which nothing exhausts； the fruit
of my miserable childhood； ripened under this last trial。 The count
was delighted when he could jeer at me for not putting in practice the
principles or the rules he had explained； if I reflected before I
played he complained of my slowness； if I played fast he was angry
because I hurried him； if I forgot to mark my points he declared；
making his profit out of the mistake； that I was always too rapid。 It
was like the tyranny of a schoolmaster； the despotism of the rod； of
which I can really give you no idea unless I compare myself to
Epictetus under the yoke of a malicious child。 When we played for
money his winnings gave him the meanest and most abject delight。
A word from his wife was enough to console me； and it frequently
recalled him to a sense of politeness and good…breeding。 But before
long I fell into the furnace of an unexpected misery。 My money was
disappearing under these losses。 Though the count was always present
during my visits until I left the house； which was sometimes very
late； I cherished the hope of finding some moment when I might say a
word that would reach my idol's heart； but to obtain that moment； for
which I watched and waited with a hunter's painful patience； I was
forced to continue these weary games； during which my feelings were
lacerated and my money lost。 Still； there were moments when we were
silent； she and I； looking at the sunlight on the meadows； the clouds
in a gray sky； the misty hills； or the quivering of the moon on the
sandbanks of the river； saying only； 〃Night is beautiful！〃
〃Night is woman； madame。〃
〃What tranquillity！〃
〃Yes； no one can be absolutely wretched here。〃
Then she would return to her embroidery frame。 I came at last to hear
the inward beatings of an affection which sought its object。 But the
fact remainedwithout money； farewell to these evenings。 I wrote to
my mother to send me some。 She scolded me and sent only enough to last
a week。 Where could I get more？ My life depended on it。 Thus it
happened that in the dawn of my first great happiness I found the same
sufferings that assailed me elsewhere； but in Paris； at college； at
school I evaded them by abstinence； there my privations were negative；
at Frapesle they were active； so active that I was possessed by the
impulse to theft； by visions of crime； furious desperations which rend
the soul and must be subdued under pain of losing our self…respect。
The memory of what I suffered through my mother's parsimony taught me
that indulgence for young men which one who has stood upon the brink
of the abyss and measured its depths； without falling into them； must
inevitably feel。 Though my own rectitude was strengthened by those
moments when life opened and let me see the rocks and quicksands
beneath the surface； I have never known that terrible thing called
human justice draw its blade through the throat of a criminal without
saying to myself： 〃Penal laws are made by men who have never known
misery。〃
At this crisis I happened to find a treatise on backgammon in Monsieur
de Chessel's library； and I studied it。 My host was kind enough to
give me a few lessons； less harshly taught by the count I made good
progress and applied the rules and calculations I knew by heart。
Within a few days I was able to beat Monsieur de Mortsauf； but no
sooner had I done so and won his money for the first time than his
temper became intolerable； his eyes glittered like those of tigers；
his face shrivelled； his brows knit as I never saw brows knit before
or since。 His complainings were those of a fretful child。 Sometimes he
flung down the dice； quivered with rage； bit the dice…box； and said
insulting things to me。 Such violence； however； came to an end。 When I
had acquired enough mastery of the game I played it to suit me； I so
managed that we were nearly equal up to the last moment； I allowed him
to win the first half and made matters even during the last half。 The
end of the world would have surprised him less than the rapid
superiority of his pupil； but he never admitted it。 The unvarying
result of our games was a topic of discourse on which he fastened。
〃My poor head；〃 he would say； 〃is fatigued； you manage to win the last
of the game because by that time I lose my skill。〃
The countess； who knew backgammon； understood my manoeuvres from the
first； and gave me those mute thanks which swell the heart of a young
man； she granted me the same look she gave to her children。 From that
ever…blessed evening she always looked at me when she spoke。 I cannot
explain to you the condition I was in when I left her。 My soul had
annihilated my body； it weighed nothing； I did not walk； I flew。 That
look I carried within me； it bathed me with light just as her last
words； 〃Adieu； monsieur；〃 still sounded in my soul with the harmonies
of 〃O filii； o filioe〃 in the paschal choir。 I was born into a new
life； I was something to her！ I slept on purple and fine linen。 Flames
darted before my closed eyelids； chasing each other in the darkness
like threads of fire in the ashes of burned paper。 In my dreams her
voice became； though I cannot describe it； palpable； an atmosphere of
light and fragrance wrapping me； a melody enfolding my spirit。 On the
morrow her greeting expressed the fulness of feelings that remained
unuttered； and from that moment I was initiated into the secrets of
her voice。
That day was to be one of the most decisive of my life。 After dinner
we walked on the heights across a barren plain where no herbage grew；
the ground was stony； arid； and without vegetable soil of any kind；
nevertheless a few scrub oaks and thorny bushes straggled there； and
in place of grass； a carpet of crimped mosses； illuminated by the
setting sun and so dry that our feet slipped upon it。 I held Madeleine
by the hand to keep her up。 Madame de Mortsauf was leading Jacques。
The count； who was in front； suddenly turned round and striking the
earth with his cane said to me in a dreadful tone： 〃Such is my life！
but before I knew you；〃 he added with a look of penitence at his wife。
The reparation was tardy； for the countess had turned pale； what woman
would not have staggered as she did under the blow？
〃But what delightful scenes are wafted here； and what a view of the
sunset！〃 I cried。 〃For my part I should like to own this barren moor；
I fancy there may be treasures if we dig for them。 But its greatest
wealth is that of being near you。 Who would not pay a great cost for
such a view？all harmony to the eye； with that winding river where
the soul may bathe among the ash…trees and the alders。 See the
difference of taste！ To you this spot of earth is a barren waste； to
me； it is paradise。〃
She thanked me with a look。
〃Bucolics！〃 exclaimed the count； with a bitter look。 〃This is no life
for a man who bears your name。〃 Then he suddenly changed his tone
〃The bells！〃 he cried； 〃don't you hear the bells of Azay？ I hear them
ringing。〃
Madame de Mortsauf gave me a frightened look。 Madeleine clung to my
hand。
〃Suppose we play a game of backgammon？〃 I said。 〃Let us go back； the
rattle of the dice will drown the sound of the bells。〃