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comfort。 Think how our gallant fellows are suffering in the
trenches！ Show her up。 ＇The clerk makes for the door； whistling
the latest popular ballad＇。 Stop whistling instantly； sir。 This
is not a casino。
CLERK。 Ain't it？ You just wait till you see her。 ＇He goes out。＇
Augustus produces a mirror； a comb； and a pot of moustache pomade
from the drawer of the writing…table； and sits down before the
mirror to put some touches to his toilet。
The clerk returns； devotedly ushering a very attractive lady；
brilliantly dressed。 She has a dainty wallet hanging from her
wrist。 Augustus hastily covers up his toilet apparatus with The
Morning Post； and rises in an attitude of pompous condescension。
THE CLERK ＇to Augustus＇。 Here she is。 ＇To the lady。＇ May I offer
you a chair； lady？ ＇He places a chair at the writing…table
opposite Augustus； and steals out on tiptoe。＇
AUGUSTUS。 Be seated； madam。
THE LADY ＇sitting down＇。 Are you Lord Augustus Highcastle？
AUGUSTUS ＇sitting also＇。 Madam； I am。
TAE LADY ＇with awe＇。 The great Lord Augustus？
AUGUSTUS。 I should not dream of describing myself so； Madam； but
no doubt I have impressed my countrymenand ＇bowing gallantly＇
may I say my countrywomenas having some exceptional claims to
their consideration。
THE LADY ＇emotionally＇。 What a beautiful voice you have！
AUGUSTUS。 What you hear； madam； is the voice of my country； which
now takes a sweet and noble tone even in the harsh mouth of high
officialism。
THE LADY。 Please go on。 You express yourself so wonderfully！
AUGUSTUS。 It would be strange indeed if； after sitting on
thirty…seven Royal Commissions； mostly as chairman； I had not
mastered the art of public expression。 Even the Radical papers
have paid me the high compliment of declaring that I am never
more impressive than when I have nothing to say。
THE LADY。 I never read the Radical papers。 All I can tell you is
that what we women admire in you is not the politician； but the
man of action； the heroic warrior； the beau sabreur。
AUGUSTUS ＇gloomily＇。 Madam； I beg！ Please！ My military exploits
are not a pleasant subject； unhappily。
THE LADY。 Oh； I know I know。 How shamefully you have been
treated！ what ingratitude！ But the country is with you。 The women
are with you。 Oh； do you think all our hearts did not throb and
all our nerves thrill when we heard how； when you were ordered to
occupy that terrible quarry in Hulluch； and you swept into it at
the head of your men like a sea…god riding on a tidal wave； you
suddenly sprang over the top shouting 〃To Berlin！ Forward！〃；
dashed at the German army single…handed； and were cut off and
made prisoner by the Huns。
AUGUSTUS。 Yes； madam； and what was my reward？ They said I
had disobeyed orders； and sent me home。 Have they forgotten
Nelson in the Baltic？ Has any British battle ever been won except
by a bold initiative？ I say nothing of professional jealousy； it
exists in the army as elsewhere； but it is a bitter thought to me
that the recognition denied me by my countryor rather by the
Radical cabal in the Cabinet which pursues my family with
rancorous class hatredthat this recognition； I say； came to me
at the hands of an enemyof a rank Prussian。
THE LADY。 You don't say so！
AUGUSTUS。 How else should I be here instead of starving to death
in Ruhleben？ Yes； madam： the Colonel of the Pomeranian regiment
which captured me； after learning what I had done； and conversing
for an hour with me on European politics and military strategy；
declared that nothing would induce him to deprive my country of
my services； and set me free。 I offered； of course； to procure
the release in exchange of a German officer of equal quality； but
he would not hear of it。 He was kind enough to say he could not
believe that a German officer answering to that description
existed。 ＇With emotion。＇ I had my first taste of the ingratitude
of my own country as I made my way back to our lines。 A shot from
our front trench struck me in the head。 I still carry the
flattened projectile as a trophy ＇he throws it on the table； the
noise it makes testifies to its weight＇。 Had it penetrated to the
brain I might never have sat on another Royal Commission。
Fortunately we have strong heads； we Highcastles。 Nothing has
ever penetrated to our brains。
THE LADY。 How thrilling！ How simple！ And how tragic！ But you will
forgive England？ Remember： England！ Forgive her。
AUGUSTUS ＇with gloomy magnanimity＇。 It will make no difference
whatever to my services to my country。 Though she slay me； yet
will I； if not exactly trust in her； at least take my part in her
government。 I am ever at my country's call。 Whether it be the
embassy in a leading European capital； a governor…generalship in
the tropics； or my humble mission here to make Little Pifflington
do its bit； I am always ready for the sacrifice。 Whilst England
remains England； wherever there is a public job to be done you
will find a Highcastle sticking to it。 And now； madam； enough of
my tragic personal history。 You have called on business。 What can
I do for you？
THE LADY。 You have relatives at the Foreign Office； have you not？
AUGUSTUS ＇haughtily＇。 Madam； the Foreign Office is staffed by my
relatives exclusively。
THE LADY。 Has the Foreign Office warned you that you are being
pursued by a female spy who is determined to obtain possession of
a certain list of gun emplacements？
AUGUSTUS ＇interrupting her somewhat loftily＇。 All that is
perfectly well known to this department； madam。
THE LADY ＇surprised and rather indignant＇。 Is it？ Who told you？
Was it one of your German brothers…in…law？
AUGUSTUS ＇injured； remonstrating＇。 I have only three German
brothers…in…law； madam。 Really； from your tone； one would suppose
that I had several。 Pardon my sensitiveness on that subject； but
reports are continually being circulated that I have been shot as
a traitor in the courtyard of the Ritz Hotel simply because I
have German brothers…in…law。 ＇With feeling。＇ If you had a German
brother…in…law； madam； you would know that nothing else in the
world produces so strong an anti…German feeling。 Life affords no
keener pleasure than finding a brother…in…law's name in the
German casualty list。
THE LADY。 Nobody knows that better than I。 Wait until you hear
what I have come to tell you： you will understand me as no one
else could。 Listen。 This spy； this woman
AUGUSTUS ＇all attention＇。 Yes？
THE LADY。 She is a German。 A Hun。
AUGUSTUS。 Yes； yes。 She would be。 Continue。
THE LADY。 She is my sister…in…law。
AUGUSTUS ＇deferentially＇。 I see you are well connected； madam。
Proceed。
THE LADY。 Need I add that she is my bitterest enemy？
AUGUSTUS。 May I＇he proffers his hand。 They shake； fervently。
》From this moment onward Augustus becomes more and more
confidential； gallant； and charming。＇
THE LADY。 Quite so。 Well； she is an intimate friend of your
brother at the War Office； Hungerford Highcastle； Blueloo as you
call him； I don't know why。
AUGUSTUS ＇explaining＇。 He was originally called The Singing
Oyster； because he sang drawing…room ballads with such an
extraordinary absence of expression。 He was then called the Blue
Point for a season or two。 Finally he became Blueloo。
THE LADY。 Oh； indeed： I didn't know。 Well； Blueloo is simply
infatuated with my sister…in…law； and he has rashly let out to
her that this list is in your possession。 He forgot himself
because he was in a towering rage at its being entrusted to you：
his language was terrible。 He ordered all the guns to be shifted
at once。
AUGUSTUS。 What on earth did he do that for？
THE LADY。 I can't imagine。 But this I know。 She made a bet with
him that she would come down here and obtain possession of that
list and get clean away into the street with it。 He took the bet
on condition that she brought it straight back to him at the War
Office。
AUGUSTUS。 Good heavens！ And you mean to tell me that Blueloo was
such a dolt as to believe that she could succeed？ Does he take me
for a fool？
THE LADY。 Oh； impossible！ He is jealous of your intellect。 The
bet is an insult to you： don't you feel that？ After what you have
done for our country
AUGUSTUS。 Oh； never mi