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with me as I suppose it would with most people under such
circumstances。 At one while my journey looked hopeful； and at
another hopeless。 Now I thought that I should do some good； and
now I wondered how I could ever have supposed so。 Now it
seemed one of the most reasonable things in the world that I
should have come； and now one of the most unreasonable。 In what
state I should find Richard； what I should say to him； and what he
would say to me； occupied my mind by turns with these two states
of feeling； and the wheels seemed to play one tune （to which the
burden of my Guardian’s letter set itself） over and over again all
night。
At last we came into the narrow streets of Deal； and very
gloomy they were； upon a raw misty morning。 The long flat beach；
with its little irregular houses； wooden and brick； and its litter of
capstans； and great boats； and sheds； and bare upright poles with
tackle and blocks； and loose gravelly waste places overgrown with
grass and weeds； wore as dull an appearance as any place I ever
saw。 The sea was heaving under a thick white fog； and nothing
else was moving but a few early ropemakers； who； with the yarn
twisted round their bodies； looked as if； tired of their present state
of existence； they were spinning themselves into cordage。
But when we got into a warm room in an excellent hotel； and
sat down； comfortably washed and dressed； to an early breakfast
（for it was too late to think of going to bed）； Deal began to look
more cheerful。 Our little room was like a ship’s cabin； and that
delighted Charley very much。 Then the fog began to rise like a
curtain； and numbers of ships that we had had no idea were near；
appeared。 I don’t know how many sail the waiter told us were then
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lying in the Downs。 Some of these vessels were of grand size： one
was a large Indiaman just come home： and when the sun shone
through the clouds； making silvery pools in the dark sea； the way
in which these ships brightened； and shadowed； and changed；
amid a bustle of boats putting off from the shore to them and from
them to the shore； and a general life and motion in themselves；
and everything around them； was most beautiful。
The large Indiaman was our great attraction； because she had
come into the Downs in the night。 She was surrounded by boats；
and we said how glad the people on board of her must be to come
ashore。 Charley was curious too； about the voyage； and about the
heat in India； and the serpents and the tigers； and as she picked
up such information much faster than grammar； I told her what I
knew on those points。 I told her； too； how people in such voyages
were sometimes wrecked and cast on rocks； where they were
saved by the intrepidity and humanity of one man。 And Charley
asking how that could be； I told her how we knew at home of such
a case。
I had thought of sending Richard a note； saying I was there； but
it seemed so much better to go to him without preparation。 As he
lived in barracks； I was a little doubtful whether this was feasible；
but we went out to reconnoitre。 Peeping in at the gate of the
barrack…yard； we found everything very quiet at that time in the
morning； and I asked a serjeant standing on the guardhouse steps；
where he lived。 He sent a man before to show me； who went up
some bare stairs； and knocked with his knuckles at a door and left
us。
“Now then！” cried Richard from within。 So I left Charley in the
little passage； and going on to the half…open door； said； “Can I
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Bleak House 851
come in； Richard？ It’s only Dame Durden。”
He was writing at a table； with a great confusion of clothes； tin
cases； books； boots； brushes； and portmanteaus strewn all about
the floor。 He was only half…dressed—in plain clothes； I observed；
not in uniform—and his hair was unbrushed； and he looked as
wild as his room。 All this I saw after he had heartily welcomed me；
and I was seated near him； for he started upon hearing my voice；
and caught me in his arms in a moment。 Dear Richard！ He was
ever the same to me。 Down to—ah； poor； poor fellow！—to the end；
he never received me but with something of his old merry boyish
manner。
“Good Heaven； my dear little woman；” said he； “how do you
come here。 Who could have thought of seeing you！ Nothing the
matter？ Ada is well？”
“Quite well。 Lovelier than ever； Richard！”
“Ah！” he said； leaning back in his chair。 “My poor cousin！ I was
writing to you； Esther。”
So worn and haggard as he looked； even in the fulness of his
handsome youth； leaning back in his chair； and crushing the
closely written sheet of paper in his hand！
“Have you been at the trouble of writing all that； and am I not
to read it after all？” I asked。
“Oh my dear；” he returned； with a hopeless gesture。 “You may
read it in the whole room。 It is all over here。”
I mildly entreated him not to be despondent。 I told him that I
had heard by chance of his being in difficulty； and had come to
consult with him what could best be done。
“Like you； Esther； but useless； and so not like you！” said he with
a melancholy smile。 “I am away on leave this day—should have
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Bleak House 852
been gone in another hour—and that is to smooth it over； for my
selling out。 Well！ Let bygones be bygones。 So this calling follows
the rest。 I only want to have been in the church； to have made the
round of all the professions。”
“Richard；” I urged； “it is not so hopeless as that？”
“Esther；” he returned； “it is indeed。 I am just so near disgrace
as that those who are put in authority over me （as the catechism
goes） would far rather be without me than with me。 And they are
right。 Apart from debts and duns； and all such drawbacks； I am
not fit even for this employment。 I have no care； no mind； no heart；
no soul； but for one thing。 Why； if this bubble hadn’t broken now；”
he said； tearing the letter he had written into fragments； and
moodily casting them away； by driblets； “how could I have gone
abroad？ I must have been ordered abroad； but how could I have
gone。 How could I； with my experience of that thing； trust even
Vholes unless I was at his back！”
I suppose he knew by my face what I was about to say； but he
caught the hand I had laid upon his arm； and touched my own lips
with it to prevent me from going on。
“No； Dame Durden！ Two subjects I forbid—must forbid。 The
first is John Jarndyce。 The second； you know what。 Call it
madness； and I tell you I can’t help it now； and can’t be s