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unless occasionally； when they consisted of the accumulation of
some very large amount of money。
“Why； good gracious；” said Miss Flite； “how can you say that？
Surely you know； my dear； that all the greatest ornaments of
England in knowledge； imagination； active humanity； and
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improvement of every sort； are added to its nobility！ Look round
you； my dear； and consider。 You must be rambling a little now； I
think； if you don’t know that this is the great reason why titles will
always last in the land！”
I am afraid she believed what she said； for there were moments
when she was very mad indeed。
And now I must part with the little secret I have thus far tried
to keep。 I had thought； sometimes； that Mr Woodcourt loved me；
and that if he had been richer； he would perhaps have told me that
he loved me； before he went away。 I had thought； sometimes； that
if he had done so； I should have been glad of it。 But； how much
better it was now； that this had never happened！ What should I
have suffered； if I had had to write to him； and tell him that the
poor face he had known as mine was quite gone from me； and that
I freely released him from his bondage to one whom he had never
seen！
O； it was so much better； as it was！ With a great pang mercifully
spared me； I could take back to my heart my childish prayer to be
all he had so brightly shown himself； and there was nothing to be
undone： no chain for me to break； or for him to drag； and I could
go； please God； my lowly way along the path of duty； and he could
go his nobler way upon its broader road； and though we were
apart upon the journey； I might aspire to meet him； unselfishly；
innocently； better far than he had thought me when I found some
favour in his eyes； at the journey’s end。
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Chapter 36
Chesney Wold
harley and I did not set off alone upon our expedition into
Lincolnshire。 My Guardian had made up his mind not to
C
lose sight of me until I was safe in Mr Boythorn’s house； so
he accompanied us； and we were two days upon the road。 I found
every breath of air； and every scent； and every flower and leaf and
blade of grass； and every passing cloud； and everything in nature；
more beautiful and wonderful to me than I had ever found it yet。
This was my first gain from my illness。 How little I had lost； when
the wide world was so full of delight for me。
My Guardian intending to go back immediately； we appointed；
on our way down； a day when my dear girl should come。 I wrote
her a letter； of which he took charge； and he left us within half an
hour of our arrival at our destination； on a delightful evening in
the early summer time。
If a good fairy had built the house for me with a wave of her
wand； and I had been a princess and her favoured godchild； I
could not have been more considered in it。 So many preparations
were made for me； and such an endearing remembrance was
shown of all my little tastes and likings； that I could have sat down；
overcome； a dozen times； before I had revisited half the rooms。 I
did better than that； however； by showing them all to Charley
instead。 Charley’s delight calmed mine； and after we had had a
walk in the garden； and Charley had exhausted her whole
vocabulary of admiring expressions； I was as tranquilly happy as I
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ought to have been。 It was a great comfort to be able to say to
myself after tea； “Esther； my dear； I think you are quite sensible
enough to sit down now； and write a note of thanks to your host。”
He had left a note of welcome for me； as sunny as his own face；
and had confided his bird to my care； which I knew to be his
highest mark of confidence。 Accordingly I wrote a little note to
him in London； telling him how all his favourite plants and trees
were looking； and how the most astonishing of birds had chirped
the honours of the house to me in the most hospitable manner；
and how； after singing on my shoulder； to the inconceivable
rapture of my little maid； he was then at roost in the usual corner
of his cage； but whether dreaming or no I could not report。 My
note finished and sent off to the post； I made myself very busy in
unpacking and arranging； and I sent Charley to bed in good time；
and told her I should want her no more that night。
For I had not yet looked in the glass； and had never asked to
have my own restored to me。 I knew this to be a weakness which
must be overcome； but I had always said to myself that I would
begin afresh； when I got to where I now was。 Therefore I had
wanted to be alone； and therefore I said； now alone in my own
room； “Esther； if you are to be happy； if you are to have any right
to pray to be true…hearted； you must keep your word； my dear。” I
was quite resolved to keep it； but I sat down for a little while first；
to reflect upon all my blessings。 And then I said my prayers； and
thought a little more。
My hair had not been cut off； though it had been in danger
more than once。 It was long and thick。 I let it down； and shook it
out； and went up to the glass upon the dressing…table。 There was a
little muslin curtain drawn across it。 I drew it back： and stood for a
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moment looking through such a veil of my own air； that I could see
nothing else。 Then I put my hair aside； and looked at the reflection
in the mirror； encouraged by seeing how placidly it looked at me。 I
was very much changed—O very； very much。 At first； my face was
so strange to me； that I think I should have put my hands before it
and started back； but for the encouragement I have mentioned。
Very soon it became more familiar； and then I knew the extent of
the alteration in it better than I had done at first。 It was not like
what I had expected； but I had expected nothing definite； and I
dare say anything definite would have surprised me。
I had never been a beauty and had never thought myself one；
but I had been very different from this。 It was all gone now。
Heaven was so good to me； that I could let it go with a few not
bitter tears； and could stand there arranging my hair for the night
quite thankfully。
One thing troubled me； and I considered it for a long time
before I went to sleep。 I had kept Mr Woodcourt’s flowers。 When
they were withered I had dried