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“Well； Richard；” said I； as soon as I could begin to be grave with
him； “are you beginning to feel more settled now？”
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“O yes； my dear！” returned Richard。 “I am all right enough。”
“But settled？” said I。
“How do you mean； settled？” returned Richard； with his gay
laugh。
“Settled in the law；” said I。
“O aye；” replied Richard； “I’m all right enough。”
“You said that before； my dear Richard。”
“And you don’t think it’s an answer； eh？ Well！ Perhaps it’s not。
Settled？ You mean； do I feel as if I were settling down？”
“Yes。”
“Why； no； I can’t say I’m settling down；” said Richard； strongly
emphasising ‘down；’ as if that expressed the difficulty； “because
one can’t settle down while this business remains in such an
unsettled state。 When I say this business； of course I mean the—
forbidden subject。”
“Do you think it will ever be in a settled state？” said I。
“Not the least doubt of it；” answered Richard。
We walked a little way without speaking； and presently Richard
addressed me in his frankest and most feeling manner； thus：
“My dear Esther； I understand you； and I wish to Heaven I
were a more constant sort of fellow。 I don’t mean constant to Ada；
for I love her dearly—better and better every day—but constant to
myself。 （Somehow； I mean something that I can’t very well
express； but you’ll make it out。） If I were a more constant sort of
fellow； I should have held on； either to Badger； or to Kenge and
Carboy； like grim death； and should have begun to be steady and
systematic by this time； and shouldn’t be in debt—”
“Are you in debt； Richard？”
“Yes；” said Richard； “I am a little so； my dear。 Also I have taken
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too rather much to billiards； and that sort of thing。 Now the
murder’s out； you despise me； Esther； don’t you？”
“You know I don’t；” said I。
“You are kinder to me than I often am to myself；” he returned。
“My dear Esther； I am a very unfortunate dog not to be more
settled； but how can I be more settled？ If you live in an unfinished
house； you couldn’t settle down in it； if you were condemned to
leave everything you undertook； unfinished； you would find it
hard to apply yourself to anything； and yet that’s my unhappy
case。 I was born into this unfinished contention with all its
chances and changes； and it began to unsettle me before I quite
knew the difference between a suit at law and a suit of clothes； and
it has gone on unsettling me ever since； and here I am now；
conscious sometimes that I am but a worthless fellow to love my
confiding cousin Ada。”
We were in a solitary place； and he put his hand before his eyes
and sobbed as he said the words。
“O Richard！” said I； “do not be so moved。 You have a noble
nature； and Ada’s love may make you worthier every day。”
“I know； my dear；” he replied pressing my arm； “I know all
that。 You musn’t mind my being a little soft now； for I have had all
this upon my mind for a long time； and have often meant to speak
to you； and have sometimes wanted opportunity and sometimes
courage。 I know what the thought of Ada ought to do for me； but it
doesn’t do it。 I am too unsettled even for that。 I love her most
devotedly； and yet I do her wrong； in doing myself wrong； every
day and hour。 But it can’t last for ever。 We shall come on for a final
hearing； and get judgment in our favour； and then you and Ada
shall see what I can really be！”
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It had given me a pang to hear him sob； and see the tears start
out between his fingers； but that was infinitely less affecting to me；
than the hopeful animation with which he said these words。
“I have looked well into the papers； Esther—I have been deep
in them for months；” he continued； recovering his cheerfulness in
a moment； “and you may rely upon it that we shall come out
triumphant。 As to years of delay； there has been no want of them；
Heaven knows！ and there is the greater probability of our bringing
the matter to a speedy close； in fact； it’s on the paper now。 It will
be all right at last； and then you shall see！”
Recalling how he had just now placed Messrs。 Kenge and
Carboy in the same category with Mr Badger； I asked him when
he intended to be articled in Lincoln’s Inn？
“There again！ I think not at all； Esther；” he returned with an
effort。 “I fancy I have had enough of it。 Having worked at Jarndyce
and Jarndyce like a galley slave； I have slaked my thirst for the
law； and satisfied myself that I shouldn’t like it。 Besides； I find it
unsettles me more and more to be so constantly upon the scene of
action。 So what；” continued Richard； confident again by this time；
“do I naturally turn my thoughts to？”
“I can’t imagine；” said I。
“Don’t look so serious；” returned Richard； “because it’s the best
thing I can do； my dear Esther； I am certain。 It’s not as if I wanted
a profession for life。 These proceedings will come to a termination；
and then I am provided for。 No。 I look upon it as a pursuit which is
in its nature more or less unsettled； and therefore suited to my
temporary condition—I may say； precisely suited。 What is it that I
naturally turn my thoughts to？”
I looked at him； and shook my head。
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“What；” said Richard； in a tone of perfect conviction； “but the
army！”
“The army？” said I。
“The army； of course。 What I have to do； is； to get a commission；
and—there I am； you know！” said Richard。
And then he showed me； proved by elaborate calculations in his
pocket…book； that supposing he had contracted； say two hundred
pounds of debt in six months； out of the army； and that he
contracted no debt at all within a corresponding period； in the
army—as to which he had quite made up his mind； this step must
involve a saving of four hundred pounds in a year； or two
thousand pounds in five years—which was a considerable sum。
And then he spoke so ingenuously and sincerely； of the sacrifice
he made in withdrawing himself for a time from Ada； and of the
earnestness with which he aspired—as in thought he always did； I
know full well—to repay her love； and to ensure her happiness；
and to conquer what was amiss in himself； and to acquire the very
soul of decision； that he made my heart ache keenly； sorely